After 21 years of not giving up on my solo navigation to a space of justice and closure, I was relieved when I arrived at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. I was able to apply for a radio show on Mi-Soul radio.com. I believed all my trauma on this matter would be healed through my work in the Stephen Lawrence Centre…
I was the first female DJ through the door of the station and the first daytime female DJ on Mi-Soul. Part of the healing came from being able to freely express and reflect my feminine black pride and Stephen’s black legacy in a good light so I intentionally used this photograph to promote my show on social media.
I was the first female DJ through the door of the station and the first daytime female DJ on Mi-Soul. Part of the healing came from being able to freely express and reflect my feminine black pride and Stephen’s black legacy in a good light so I intentionally used this photograph to promote my show on social media.
It was important to get along with all others. So, even though I found it daunting (at first), I made efforts in most opportunities to engage with the other DJ’s and personnel. I didn’t try to stand out but equally, I owned my uniqueness; it’s what aided me on my radio shows.
I had every intention of showing more of my uniqueness through my graphics and art. The plan was to slowly, progressively bring more of my art into the music industry via being at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. This was part of my plan of turning a negative journey into something positive.
This is when the micro aggressions started. Gordon Mac was the first to bring forth covert racism and misogyny. It started with him making strong efforts to convince me and others that I was a diva even though this is not my character. Even though I did not know her and she does not know me; Debra Mac tried to introduce the idea of me being a little ‘fruit and nut’ to others and to me, also.
Mi-Soul had it’s first club event, which was held at the Bedroom Bar in Shoreditch. I remember telling a friend that I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to be deemed anti-social, so I went. I was stood with some of the other (black male) DJ’s when a listener/fan of the station whom I’d never met before called Jayne Billie came over with a bottle of Prosecco and a few glasses; she started pouring and serving all the males around me, smiling at them as she went. Once they all had a glass, she looked at me with a stone face, turned away, and poured herself a glass. A few moments went by when Jayne had an epiphany “Oh my god! Are you DJ Tutu? I’m so sorry! Would you like a glass?” she asked, I politely declined. The next week she came to visit Gordon at the station, we had polite conversation, and she left her number for me. She told Gordon that she liked me, but I didn’t want to get closer to her; not because I thought I was better, but because of her initial interaction with me. I didn’t have anything against her I just knew that she wasn’t for me, so to speak. When Gordon realised I didn’t take her number, he nudged me the next week to take it. He wasn’t rude but his approach was almost as though to say ‘Jayne wants to be friends with you, so be her friend’. I never called her.
Charlotte was a young office intern, I thought she was lovely. A second female DJ had just joined the station; her name is Marcia Carr. I recall Charlotte telling me that there is another female DJ at the station, I was glad to know. Charlotte framed it as “you’ve got competition now… I hated the notion of ‘competition’ and calmly expressed so to Charlotte. “No Charlotte, no competition. Just sisterhood, and I welcome her. Quite frankly, I’m glad there’s another woman here! I look forward to meeting her.” I hoped that that no one had been in Marcia’s ear in referencing me as her ‘competition’. Black women are often pitted up against each other like gladiators, by third parties. All things considered, that was the last thing I wanted.
Marcia Carr had a Monday afternoon show. With 'passive' encouragement from Gordon, Marcia was more than happy to use her newly instated presence to gaslight me, even though we’d never met before. Oddly, on her first show, 'she' introduced 'me' to the station as though to suggest I was the new DJ, and I hadn't been there since the first quarter of the year; nobody pulled her to the side. She went on to do other micro aggressions in her first month of being there, including; conspiring with others in having my photograph removed from the website whilst I was away on account of my father passing away. Gordon did/said nothing. I knew I was going to have to deal with the dynamics myself. I eventually caught up with Marcia on a Friday that she came into the station (even though her shows were on a Monday and I was on the Friday). I figured she wanted to see me I person. I insured we had a pleasant chat which Marcia didn’t make easy at first. I eventually told her that “I am a creative so you don’t have to worry about me trying to take any of your blessings from you. I don’t get off by competing with others, only with myself” We ended our chat at approximately 1 am I bought her a takeaway and we headed home on public transport. This was when Marcia ‘casually’ came to know the area/neighbourhood in which I live.
Carly Ann Monde was/is Ronnie Herel’s studio assistant. Carly and I got on very well. She thoroughly surprised me at our xmas party; she and I were stood at the bar with one other DJ. I turned to the dJ on my left to ask him what drink he was ordering, and then I turned to Carly stood on my right to ask her the same. I jumped with fright! Carly was staring at me as though she wanted to rip my head off; as though she could stick a knife in my chest right there in that moment if she knew she would get away with it! I asked her what the look was but by then she had quickly reframed her expression to a smiling one and acted as though I was imagining things. But the look was too alarming to not notice, and the DJ beside me voiced his acknowledgement too. Because there was a witness, she admitted to it, citing that it was because I always look so good and I’m good at everything. I couldn’t believe that her expression was how she truly felt about me, I would never have guessed it.
D’Nyce was the third female DJ to join. I ignored Marcia’s micro aggression and made efforts to get along with her as another black woman in the industry. I told her that she “doesn’t need to be concerned with me, I’m a creative; ‘creative’s like to ‘create’ our own thing. So, I’m no threat to whatever you’ve already got going on.” I bought her a takeaway and we took late night transport home. This was when Marcia casually came to know the area I live in.
At this point of the station things had gotten overwhelming with many other non black women seeking opportunities to show their worth in an industry that they hadn’t otherwise, professionally contributed to. I felt the pressures from lack of boundaries and Gordon did nothing to create a clear line for others to not cross.
We had a black female photographer who was there since the beginning but once we went DAB she was the first to be ousted from her space due to the dynamic explained above. She spoke to me about it and felt helpless at the time. I was worried for the other black women and started engaging with them more to secure the positions that we’d worked hard for.
Jayne Billie also forged a friendship with Gordon and Debra to a point that she quickly started referring to them as her ‘Besties”
I first met Andrea Britton in 2016. She came on board Mi-Soul as PR for the station. She seemed ‘extremely’ friendly.
From this...
To this...
And ultimately, to this.
From this...
To this...
From this...
To this...
To this...
This is Marketing... And...
The erasure of black representation
And ultimately, to this.
And IP theft.
THIS IS HAPPENED TO ME UNDER GORDON MAC’S MANAGEMENT
Another female DJ joined the radio station as part of a double act with a male DJ. They are both non black. The female DJ quickly requested me on social media and was supportive of my weekly shows that had now been going on for 3 years. I was quietly concerned that some of the black DJ’s were telling me that the black DJ’s will be disposed of shortly due to the station going DAB and the need for ‘build’ is no longer. I needed to get my closure and needed to be at the station. The other black female DJ’s deserved to grow too, so I tried to bring us all together to cement our positions through an active display of black, feminine positivity, whilst embracing our own culture.
By now Marcia had shaved her relaxed hair off and started to grow an afro. She turned up to one of my DJ residencies with her equipment in an attempt to take it over whilst saying “I came to support you!” I had to ask her “what she thought she was doing?!”. She turned up and hijacked a quick photo-shoot to accompany an interview with my guest for my show and she casually announced to me that she now works as a checkout lady in my local supermarket. She tagged me as A DJ on Facebook and sent people to an RA profile page that featured another DJ with the name ‘Tutu’.
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Marcia hijacking my photo-shoot.
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Marcia’s DJ rucksack/equipment
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Working in my local supermarket. Eg
I made many attempts at a calm, conversation with Marcia, but in the end I was too exhausted and had to disengage, until she could manage her own feelings and actions toward me in a better light. Unfortunately, Marcia was so focused on me and what I was doing that she didn’t see what was happening else where; she lost her show and was eventually placed at 3am on a Sunday. She called me crying, and I comforted her. I met her after her shift at my local supermarket, and took her for a drink to try and help her gain perspective and a clear path of progression. I wanted her to succeed; I know how hard it can be sometimes for black (women).
D’Nyce and I are getting along more but Debra Mac is comfortable to openly target me and push boundaries with micro aggressions. She ridiculed my hair and told D’Nyce that I was “so annoying” even though, Debra still does not know me or my character; she and I are yet to engage in a full conversation because I already knew we shared nothing in common. Gordon Mac had started giving me bad stares on occasions in addition to openly referencing me "trouble" to third parties and his other micro aggressions (highlighted in the men’s Blueprint of systemic and cocksure racism).
Even though the client was openly ecstatic with the finished product, my first offering of an artistic graphics solution for the independent music industry was intersected and debunked before it could go to market. Instead, Andrea Britton was given the commission without anybody telling me. Andrea only let me know that it was her who did the replacement work, after she left Mi-Soul, over a year later. She also told me that she did not know that I did the original but…. EVERYONE in the office and even a fair few of the DJ’s knew I had done the original work. I can’t forget, because it caused such a strange stir in the air, when people saw my level of artistic ability…
Rachel Marsh is the wife of one of Gordon’s long standing personal friends in the business. Rachel was brought in to look after Mi-Soul’s social media in 2017. Not long after Gordon Mac introduced her to me one Friday; D’Nyce sent me the below screen shot. D'Nyce's complaint was in regard to the clear erasure of black women. We spoke on the phone about the matter and I let her know that a new woman is handling the social media (I did not know she was Roy's wife at the time, I thought she'd just applied for the job the normal way, like me. .
Debra Mac’s was insistent in her need to undermine my character at any given opportunity of her being in the midst of a friendly engagement between D’Nyce and I. Gordon also maintained micro aggressions. On a few occasions, I caught him looking at me with distain (in the same way I caught Carly) But in these cases, I would ignore him. One day in October of 2016, D’Nyce saw him look at me with hate. She asked me what I had done, I told her "nothing". All was getting too much, so I decided to tell her about my journey, why I came to the Stephen Lawrence Centre and the closure I was seeking. I explained that I didn’t want to cause a stir or trouble. I explained that this is why I hadn’t retaliated; I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Rosie Coxshaw is a Millennial from Essex who started a magazine with her mother and father. The magazine focused on Life in and around Essex and East London. Rosie contacted Mi-Soul DAB based in Lewisham to interview Ronnie Herel. The interview was agreed upon via emailing the questions for Ronnie to answer and send back, but Rosie kept up her ask until Ronnie agreed to do the interview in person. I don't know Rosie and knew nothing of her existence at that time, but I do remember seeing the magazine in the greenroom; I flicked through one, but it wasn't to my taste, so I left it where I found it and said nothing.
At some point after the interview, Rosie and Ronnie entered into a personal relationship. This relationship gave Rosie new business and social access to some of Ronnie's cohorts including Gordon & Debra Mac (who took issue with me) and a plethora of other people from within the foldings of Mi-Soul and beyond, within the industry.
In Ibiza in 2017, I complemented Debra's chiffon dress and she immediately responded by launching a verbal attack of insults whilst telling me she knows me in a dubious manner and tone. I gave her grace in walking away, she simply followed me in a continuation of her berating me. She told me how much of a state I looked, and she should be my mother so she could take me out shopping to buy me some better clothes. She added physical contact in this second round, pulling on my arm and sleeve. She spoke to me as though I was a poor beggar or slave child who needed putting in my place. Andrea Britton and others saw the first round whilst Jayne Billie saw the second round. The manager of the venue came over, complimented me, and asked Jayne to take a photo of the two of us, who prior to his ask, was sat watching the entire attack without saying a word. See below for text exchange with a fellow DJ below:
Once back in England, I called Shereen who worked in the office and we had a long talk where I cried to her on the phone in saying that I don’t know how much longer I can hold on, the abuse is of grand proportion. Shereen listened, empathised, and told me to hold on that something good will come from all of this…
Debra Mac started following me on social media the next week after getting back from Ibiza. I knew she was just going to try and bully and antagonise me online so, I had no choice but to quickly blocked her for self preservation.
Debra and Gordon Mac continued their charm offensive toward D’Nyce in a continued effort to draw her attention away and ostracise me. As the only other black, official Mi-soul female DJ, they were going to need her on side, if I ever stood up and called out their racism. Debra was sporadically, privately messaging D’Nyce. D’Nyce would screenshot the message's and send them to me. D’Nyce was taken aback and couldn't understand the ‘out of the blue’ behaviours from Debra due to them never having engaged prior to this new charm offensive that just started one day, after 3 yeas of D'Nyce being at the station. Based on what I was going through,I knew this was just another tactic.
Dr Psycho is a DJ friend from the station. He suddenly passed away less than two months of us getting back from Ibiza.
Andrea Britton called me to see how I was doing and suggested that we should all meet up at the bar across the road from the Stephen Lawrence Centre so we’re not all alone in mourning Dr Psycho. I didn’t really want to go; I didn’t want to share my grief with some others from the station due to the systemic racism that permeated through many spaces of the company. Andrea was compelling in her ask, so I agreed. Once there, I saw Natalie, Craig Williams partner (colleague). Even though she did not know me (at all), for a few years; much like some of the others, she would give me stares of distain whenever she was in the same space as me. She had started to be more pleasant in her social etiquette toward me from some months earlier in 2017.
In seeing her at the bar I took the opportunity to let her know that I have no intention of having personal, romantic relations with her partner. I explained that I’m on my own life’s journey, and that I’m not here for anyone else; I’d never engage with another woman’s partner in that way. She smiled and appreciated the gesture of me telling her. I was glad to have explained but felt exhausted from all of the unwanted negative attention from people whom I barely knew or have zero personal relations with. I knew I was targeted in many ways for being a black woman of positive expression.
I still had no idea that Rosie Coxshaw existed but by now through her personal relationship with my colleague, she was well aware of who I am and what I do. At some point Rosie Coxshaw decided that she was going to steer her career down a path of passionately supporting women at work through her company called ‘Modern Woman’.
Rosie teamed up with Ronnie Herel to step into the 'culture' with a new ‘black music’ inspired club night called Funky Dory. Rosie was thrust on me through the familiarity of her partner who was my colleague. As a black man, Ronnie was used as a pacifier in him being the one to tell me that they needed a woman with an afro but "don't make her black!". Rosie Coxshaw asked for less off of my already low price. At the time I needed more exposure so I agreed. I was also disorientated as they asked all this of me on the day of Dr Psycho’s Nine Night (Jamaican style Vigil), plus my head was in a permanent swirl from all of the abuse over the years, with my more desperate need to stay at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. They were supposed to promote me as part of their deal with me.
Dr Psycho hadn’t even been buried when Emma Noble was brought into the Mi-Soul Fold as one half of a DJ duo called Noble and Heath. Andrea Britton who knew my Identity played a huge part in my uniqueness in this corner of the culture. Decided it “just made sense” to being these women into the space that I had helped to build from the start and had been dealing with racist ridicule as a black woman with my afro for most of the time that I had been there. Considering she is ‘PR’ Andrea would’ve known when she decided to present a white version of me to Mi-Soul; the possible, counter-active damage that she would be causing to a specific and key area of my brand, from within the realms of black femininity. But she just didn’t care, and I was mortified at that reality.
I remembered in my year one of being at the station there was another young black woman who sort of looked like me. She had an afro too. She wanted to come and work at the station but Gordon declined in saying, “we’ve already got one of you at the station already”
I find it amazing that he turned way another slice of black femininity at The Stephen Lawrence Centre but embraced an appropriation.
I called Andrea to bring her to task for her choice of actions. She effectively told me that I’m being irrational, Emma Noble and I have absolutely nothing in common and that Emma’s really nice as a person etc. “you’ll see Tutu…” At this point I am back in my quiet trauma stage with full capacity. I cry a lot in private and try to keep it together in public. You’ll see from the men’s blueprint; I was already dealing with so much racism and misogyny but I knew that if I left at this stage, I would have a breakdown and after the time line, I wasn’t sure that I’d come back from it, so I stayed.
Debra Mac thought it was okay to continue in her targeted behaviours of antagonising and undermining me in front of Andrea Britton and D’Nyce at the reception of Dr Psycho’s funeral; showing zero respect to the dead or the living!
D’Nyce was smirking and now starting to show signs of enjoyment in my space of ridicule. Debra’s plan was working.
Rebecca is Lloyd Holder’s partner (colleague at Mi-Soul) a few weeks earlier, she had witnessed me having to navigate around more racism from her cousin-in-law who referenced me as a “Nigga Bitch” at the pre MOBO award party. At the Mi-Soul Christmas party Rebecca found me (again), and launched into a very uncomfortable conversation in regards to, why the black men in her family life, don’t like black women. I made it clear that this is none of my concern and that I do not wish to have this conversation with her. But she was forceful in her speech in insisting that this conversation needs to be had.
This conversation that may need to be had, does not to be had with me. Take it back to those who need to hear it, I’m not her family so please do not involve me in this.
She kept on in telling me that it is important because she is the mother of black girls and is raising future black women, to which I replied, “your girls are not black. I am black; your children are mixed race because you are white Rebecca”. This allowed me room to exit the conversation.
I was extremely uncomfortable at the idea of designing a non black woman with an afro; I told myself it was a ‘one off’ and gave the design my afro hairstyle. I was liaising with Rosie. She had a distinct lack of humility in her professional etiquette. She started to conduct herself as if to suggest her intelligence was far superior to mine. It quickly became clear that she was trying to trick me into giving her my intellectual property...…
Rosie Coxshaw went on to withhold moneys owed until she got the intellectual property which neither she, nor Ronnie Herel had purchased. I made it clear to her on a phone call that she would have to purchase the IP in order to receive it and that she needed to pay me what was owed. She tried to weaponise Ronnie Herel as her “black boyfriend’ “I’m gonna have to speak to Ronnie Tutu!” I calmly said sure. You do that. Ronnie entered via an email in thinking his presence would hold extra weight with me, it didn’t and they had to continue as we had previously planned.
Regardless of Rosie Coxshaw’s telephone exchange with me; just 2 days later, she and Ronnie stole my intellectual property and registered it as their own, even though it had my indelible signature attached as my newly instated watermark. And just 4 days after stealing my work, Rosie took to social media to give words of inspiration to all the women at work via her Modern Woman platform as she continued in her money making scheme of ‘Championing Women at Work’
The day that Rose Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel were to launch a newly designed front of house with my artwork was the day they were supposed to be promoting me as the graphic artist behind the work. Once again Rosie hid behind Ronnie Herel as they took to social media and proceeded to completely relish in undermining me in a very public setting by using that moment to highlight and thank any and everyone else BUT me.
I had told certain DJ’s that I’d be getting my first promotion for my work including D’Nyce who was the first to call me in noticing the online display of disregard and business forfeit. I told her I’d already seen what Ronnie and Rosie had done and was not going to say anything; I didn’t feel commanded to speak at that time. I was mentally exhausted from all that was constantly being served up to me out of thin air, and without warning. At this point I’m not only dealing with the re-opened traumas of 1992/93, I’m being consumed with new racial traumas that are weighing down on the original and my brain is slowly suffocating. But… I stay because nothing is making much sense to me at this point and so , I’m not sure what to do.
Forfeiting the business arrangement that was made in the aggressive way that Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel chose was the first of many hits of psychological abuse.
I’m now placed in a most precarious situation as I’m seeing the same Rosie Coxshaw direct her own take on systemic racism toward me (a stranger who provided a service) whilst she's provided with a safe space by her partner and his cohorts whom I work with in a place that was intended as a safe space for me; as she goes on to present herself to a public as a darling, champion of women at work and a virtuous ally against systemic racism. See below for examples of the facade…
All the while, more hits of psychological abuse ensued throughout the timeline. My art work is being distorted, my watermark signature is has been removed, Gordon is enjoying taking photographs with my art as a backdrop. My craft is being undermined whilst simultaneously serving Rosie Coxshaw for her own gains and benefits. See below...
In a matter of weeks after Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel debuted my artwork as their logo I unexpectedly lost my longstanding Friday afternoon show to a man called Mark Smedley (see men's version of Systemic and Cocksure Racism Blueprint For All). With that, my own regularly uploaded pride of image of a black woman with an afro is now surplus to requirement. The only ‘regular’ place to see my art depicting a woman with an afro is through Funky Dory where the woman has been whitewashed.
I presented a glam photograph for my new on air presence which in truth, was a huge demotion. Positive and vibrant representation for black women is a must; there’s so few that make it through the barriers of systemic racism in the UK. I wanted to contribute toward that. But Gordon didn’t care to play ball; Mi-Soul were reducing my positive, black image. Even though they had initially used my black image to garner sales and advertising for the station to get the company over a line.
After a DJ meeting held at the Stephen Lawrence Centre some of the team went for drinks at the bar across the road. At the end of the night, I found myself stood with Andrea Britton, Emma Noble, Emma Noble’s friend and one other whom I can’t remember. Andrea Britton smirks and says “Oh look you two have the same hair!” At which point Emma’s friend Ned Pillar unexpectedly reaches over grabs a clump of my hair from the front and says “yeah but only one of theirs is real...” as he starts to laugh. I batted his hand away and sternly told him to never ever touch my hair again!” Andrea and Emma did nothing. I recalled my telephone conversation with Andrea from the earlier months.
By now I’m depressed and spend more of the day in my pyjamas. Marcia has calmed down over the years; I found her to be more manageable to engage with after we seemingly bonded in Ibiza. She suggested it would be good for me to get out under the circumstances. I joined her for drinks and met her friend Jacqueline Thompson Brown. Jacqueline told me that she was one of the people who was sat with Andrea Britton when Debra Mac was berating me in Ibiza and that she saw Gordon Mac watch the whole affair from behind a wall. I thanked her for sharing that information with me, and we all engaged in a social evening.
Claire license works with one of Mi-souls major partners and I met her whilst in the office whilst in for my cover shows in the week. I has an event that the partners had agreed to which I wanted to be something that bring s a new source of joy in light of the state of affairs. However without any consulting, Claire saw fit to design the flyer for my upbeat event and used a political image of a black Panther (activist) to depict me on the the flyer. I was mortified and could not muster the courage to attend the event. I cancelled on the day due to anxiety brought on by racism.
Speaking with Marcia on the phone I told her that I was thinking about just starting my own creative lane/space I was going to call it ‘Planet Tutu’ I would use this space to help people like her and others who truly needed the extra support to grow and thrive. Around this timeline I also told her about my journey and why I came to the Stephen Lawrence Centre. I told her that I had shared this information with D’Nyce some year’s back.
Rosie contacted me out of the blue asking for upgrades on my art that she was using. When I pointed out that she was supposed to promote me and hadn’t, Rosie’s unapologetic response was “we ‘let’ you sign it, that was your promotion!” I calmly told her that my prices would’ve ordinarily started from £x of which, Rosie paid less than half. Regardless, Rosie took the opportunity to berate me and undermine my work “How much?! You’re delusional, love! I wouldn’t pay that! I mean it’s good but it ain’t that good; I think you need to rethink your prices!” It was as if she was rage baiting me as she spoke to me as though I was there to serve her life, and she didn’t even know me…
Immediately after ending the call with Rosie I called D’Nyce to tell her of the disgusting ways in which Rosie had spoken to me. DNyce was in shock; she asked me what I said back? I said “Nothing. This will take care of itself I’m sure. I don’t know how but I just know it ill have to come to a head on it’s own”.
When Rosie called me two week’s prior, her tone and confidence in speaking to me as though I was a slave from the 1800’s told me one thing; I was going to be released from the station, and she already knew. Perhaps she could squeeze one more hustle out of me before I’m thrown out? Sure enough, two weeks later I got a call from Martin striven, Gordon’s partner; I was told they would no longer be using my services.
I needed to keep my sanity so I desperately tried to press on by building a space to help myself by helping others through my graphics and music. I engaged with some others here and there to maintain supporting them and niceties, whilst I pursued support from an audio tech company. I had every intention on launching Planet Tutu as well. I went back to my old art school and asked for their support also, and we were making way.
Gordon continues to cement the divide between the last two black female DJ’s at the station. D’Nyce called me in the spring; she told me that Gordon had a private conversation with her where he said “out of the three of you, you were the only one who didn’t give me any trouble” but there were four females at the time, one was white though…
At some point I was speaking to BBC in hopes of transfering there. I told Marcia that I’d had a meeting with them; she to shriek down the phone “WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE!!!!” And was furious. I didn’t understand her obsession. I gave her advice as best I could and said I’d help her put together a proposal for her to get sponsorship etc. Later in the summer D’Nyce begged me to DJ at a festival that Marcia was also on the line up for. I really didn’t want to be around Marcia. D’Nyce suggested to fob off Marcia, and she and I could do the event on our own and have more money, but I declined in doing that to Marcia “That’s just not my way of doing things!” I agreed to DJ in the end. On the day Marcia kept whispering in my ear “I’m gonna beat you up! I’m gonna punch you in the face!” I looked at her with alarm, she played it down to ‘just kidding’ I told her to “get a grip!” Marcia went on to block me from getting a radio job with another well known station. The owner spotted me after the festival and asked me to come to their station but I left them with Marcia and… I never heard from them again.
Marcia also knew about my quest to use my creativity to help other but, at this point I was trying to quietly head for the exit and end my friendship with her with slow ease. She was trying find ways to invite herself to my home ( I was still very much aware that she still worked in my local supermarket. She was also trying to find ways to insert herself into my solo creative life.
One day, D’Nyce text me to let me know Marcia had offered D’Nyce a good gig which was a rarity if ever.
Marcia also called me to have casual conversation, I no longer shared any of my professional business but I remember telling her that I was slowly getting more balanced in my thoughts. She casually asked when I was going to go public with my new venture, I asked her why she wanted to know? She said she was just asking for asking sake… Weeks later, Marcia’s friend whom I had previously shared pleasantries with launched her iteration of ‘Planet Tutu’. ‘Planet JQ’ speedily launched with the help of Andrea Britton and Marcia Carr.
I spoke to D’Nyce in telling her of the latest development of disgustingly bad conduct from Marcia.
Marcia called me one last time; I picked up the call only to calmly tell Marcia that I could no longer engage with her on any front. She acted as though she had no idea of her wrong doings. I told her “you’re a grown woman, I suggest you retrace your steps. I sincerely wish you to get to where ever it is you’re trying to get to, but I cannot continue with you. You don’t listen and I’ve told you in every possible way that I’m not cut from the cloth that you consistently serve up". And with that, I politely exited the call.
I found out, Rosie Coxshaw had started selling my art for an additional stream of revenue for herself. It was at this point, whilst on the phone with D’Nyce; I discovered that Rosie and Ronnie had officially stolen my art work. Rosie was still presenting herself as a virtuous champion of working women and ally against racism.
Covid came and before I knew it I had to end my social media hiatus. The day I came back to social media, Marcia claimed she had Covid and cancelled her radio show. I felt sorry for her, until I messaged her to say “stay strong! Etc” I didn’t think she would be able to respond back and wasn’t expecting a reply AT ALL. But she sent me the longest text I’d ever received from her, and she was posting to social media more than ever. It didn’t seem as though she was suffering from a strong case of Covid in it’s earliest form of taking lives in 48 hours, at a time.
Even though my creative integrity had been compromised I carried on best I could and launched my independent Tutu@2 shows via a Planet tutu production…
Once I got back into the flow of things Jacqueline started posting again in reference to Planet JQ. It was so sad that this dynamic had even occurred out of thin air. Especially in Marcia knowing my journey and trauma and knowing that I she was compromising another black woman who wanted to use her creativity to help others in the community. Still, Marcia’s quest was to compromise all areas of my life in hopes of silencing me from ever seeing justice and progression.
D’Nyce called me to tell me that George Floyd had been racially murdered which triggered me. I told D’Nyce that I was going to peak up about the racism I received from Gordon and others at Mi-Soul and asked if she would back me by stepping forward to Coho borate with what she witnessed if needs must; D’Nyce told me “I didn’t hear nothing, I didn’t see nothing, I don’t know nothing.” I sent her a message in telling her what a pair of let down’s she and Marcia were when it came to sisterhood. I called my friend who was attacked with me and asked her to come forward again, she didn’t want to lose her job. I stop speaking with her too. I was spiralling and scared… Then there was Marcia, taking things to new heights…
I couldn’t keep up with my mental state. I thought about all that I had experienced at Mi-Soul and the journey I’d been on to get there, compared to where things were and the racist residue that I could not shake from Mi-Soul. My art work had been stolen, I have a stalker etc… I wanted to end my life, I couldn’t see a way forward where there wasn’t going to be someone, somewhere trying to crush my black life.
Extra therapy for me came in the form of me doing my shows and building my website even though some weeks were harder than others.
In my experience, based upon the horrible stereotypes of black women being masculine and/or supposedly having aggressive, hard facial features; people see my face and they see a black woman who is seemingly unaffected by all happenings of abuse, so they pile on more in hopes of the eventual reveal of cracks in my black, feminine life. Once my website launched for all to see what I had done for myself; Rosie and her partner continued their dog whistling and psychological abuse. They enlisted the visual aids of Emma Noble as the model/face of my stolen artwork assimilating an afro with whiteness even more.
As you can see from the original logo that Rosie and her partner briefly used, it was always their intention to have a dominant white female presence with the appropriation of a black woman’s afro hair style.
The logo was generated from an existing graphics originally generated by 123RF a company based in the United States. Read their story below.
Beneath their story is a screenshot of their various license uses for any graphic art used from their service. Rosie would’ve known that she could not get away with stealing their intellectual property for her own use of retail etc…
Nonetheless, the short use of this original logo clearly shows the intention of a dominant white female presence with the appropriation of a black woman’s African hair style… It was clear that Rosie was going to find one way or another of having some association with a black woman’s afro hair.
I had to do some deep diving, but I believe I’ve found the original photograph used to template the ‘original’ 123RF graphics. Please bare in mind that the original image is clearly labelled as 'Afro Hair style’.
I simply took elements (as they are) and added them to the photograph to show, how one can easily manipulate imagery to achieve the desired result…
Circling through to present; gaining access to my creative ability through her partner, for the purpose of commissioning an original artwork ‘but don’t make it black!’ with the intention of claiming full ownership through manipulative and unlawful means, made sense to Rosie Coxshaw; a self appointed, woman who champions women at work.
Moreover, there has been a concerted effort to ensure that the prideful, feminine aesthetics naturally assigned to a black, African woman are reassigned to become the pride of white women and maintains as so, regardless of how it was obtained, the associated abuse given to the prideful, black feminine designer who was told “you’re delusional, love!” and the associated, racist connotations…
There was an obvious and clear disparity on display between how some of my ex colleagues and associates of Mi-Soul received my afro with a constant need to find ‘new’ ways to ridicule, humiliate and create controversy for me for being proud of wearing this ‘highly complimentary’ hairstyle as a black woman, and the instant embracing of a white counterpart being presented in celebration of the same hairstyle. The afro in all its forms has, and will always genetically be one of the African diaspora standard’s of beauty along with fuller lips, wider hips and wider nose; these are not typically attributed to a European/white standard of accepted beauty.
Below is just one clear example of the micro aggressions that I constantly received and had to find ways to navigate around, mostly through the year of 2016. Which escalated to received, Macro aggressions too; physical contact and common assault on my hair… (See ‘men’s edition of ‘Systemic and Cocksure Racism Blueprint for All’ for full breakdown).
Regardless of how much Rosie Coxshaw was intent on following all the way through on dishing out her systemic racism/dog whistling racism/cocksure racism; she still found time to present herself to a public as an ally in shedding light on racism against women of colour...
Her knowledge of how she had entered into a cultural space, coupled with her underhanded, diminishing approach toward me as the only black woman of prominence in the black music based, radio station that she had no hand in the development of, did not stop Rosie from highlighting racism in the music industry to a public in a continued effort to present herself as one thing whilst she maintained acts of racially counteractive conduct aimed at me, a black woman in the music industry.
Marcia Carr is still blocked on social media. She is still working in my local supermarket, and some people in my neighbourhood had alerted me to their engagements with her in the supermarket. My cousin also shared that Marcia once asked her if she knows someone called ‘Tutu’ whilst my cousin was at the store, she responded in saying “No, I don’t know her.”. I had another local speak to me, and I explained that Marcia is negatively targeting my life and I have absolutely no idea as to why; I further explained that I was actually helping and supporting her throughout the entire time that Marcia was/has been plotting to violate and destroy my life from every space and she’s been fixated on doing this since she met me at Mi-Soul, all the while she was presenting herself as a friend. The local is an older, wise woman. She gave me her opinion on what she perceived was/is behind this insidious dynamic.
My suicidal therapy ended, but my trauma’s brought on by racism were still looming in the background. I tried to manage the bad thoughts by the continuing of my shows and by sinking my teeth into a new creative project. I knew nobody would believe me if I told them about 92” and most of the black people I knew were telling me to not speak about what happened to me at Mi-soul, so I knew I wouldn’t get support if I went public with that. Instead, my focus became about me getting back my artwork back from Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel. I needed to make enough money to file a lawsuit so I stayed as focused on my creativity as possible. With every day of them owning my artwork that went by, my stomach churned and I was having to deal with quiet anxiety.
With the new project I engaged with a new associate in the music industry who’s a black woman. She wilfully entered into the project I proposed but was condescending at every given opportunity, I found it all confusing considering we hadn’t met before. I went through her website and saw a photograph with Marcia in centre frame. The project didn’t go as planned (through no fault of this woman nor I) but we still had a quiet word where I explained that her conduct was less than desirable. She initially denied any such conduct but then emailed me the next day to extend an apology in knowing the truth of the matter.
With the continued help from Marcia, Jacqueline Thompson Brown maintained her upkeep of compromise for my new creative brand. Upon my launch of website in the latter of 2020; even though we barely engaged on any social media platform and I only requested her to tag her in the photo of Marcia, her and I; Jacqueline unfriended me on Facebook and put up a video to explain how Planet JQ was conceived. It was official, I was now offending people by existing in my creative space that I’d been in since a child whilst putting it on full display.
With the continued help from Marcia, Jacqueline Thompson Brown maintained her upkeep of compromise for my new creative brand. Upon my launch of website in the latter of 2020; even though we barely engaged on any social media platform and I only requested her to tag her in the photo of Marcia, her and I; Jacqueline unfriended me on Facebook and put up a video to explain how Planet JQ was conceived. It was official, I was now offending people by existing in my creative space that I’d been in since a child whilst putting it on full display.
Lorraine and Janice have a website. On the home page of this site, they have declared themselves as the FIRST EVER female DJ’s on Mi-soul daytime radio. They have stolen and wiped out my beautiful black presence, my epic black journey of decades, my fearless black history. By extension, they have compromised the integrity of a black legacy of the very person whom the building they are privileged to work in, is named after. I now see how black history from past times, come to be forgotten and completely whitewashed out, in real time.
A new dawn is here, one where Tutu is successfully kept in a box. In this age; the woman who once approached me with ill will and intent, and who stole my artwork whilst I was working from the Stephen Lawrence Centre, is now frequenting the Stephen Lawrence Centre herself to promote her next seminar for her business of championing women at work, in the hopes of selling more tickets and gaining more subscribers for her profit and wealth. She does so, by sitting in on a Friday afternoon show-time, that I once built up from the ground, and she does so at leisure. Her boyfriend is my ex colleague (whom she hid behind, in leaving it to him to tell me to "NOT" make the artwork black), which aided in enabling her to strategically line up a partnership with Mi-Soul DAB, which safeguards her as she carries out acts of ill intention. She sits in the studio to have a live chat with the same two women who have stolen my black history. Together, they present her as an amazing woman to an audience of listeners, as she tells them how passionate she is about uplifting all women at work, and her unwavering joy in learning about various peoples lives, and the adversities they had to overcome...
I presented a glam photograph for my new on air presence which in truth, was a huge demotion. Positive and vibrant representation for black women is a must; there’s so few that make it through the barriers of systemic racism in the UK. I wanted to contribute toward that. But Gordon didn’t care to play ball; Mi-Soul were reducing my positive, black image. Even though they had initially used my black image to garner sales and advertising for the station to get the company over a line.
Marcia Carr is still blocked on social media. She is still working in my local supermarket, and some people in my neighbourhood had alerted me to their engagements with her in the supermarket. My cousin also shared that Marcia once asked her if she knows someone called ‘Tutu’ whilst my cousin was at the store, she responded in saying “No, I don’t know her.”. I had another local speak to me, and I explained that Marcia is negatively targeting my life and I have absolutely no idea as to why; I further explained
As Mi-Soul's first daytime female DJ, through the Stephen Lawrence Centre gates; I felt proud to have stuck at my journey.
Once again, these acts of micro/macro aggression's were masked with intermittent pleasantries. For example, I was not aware that Andrea took my commission, yet still engaged with me on the idea of doing my own graphics to promote my show. She even asked my advice on an occasion in doing a flyer for a Mi-Soul's Christmas party. Andrea only told me it was her who did the graphics after her departure from the station. These pleasantries served only as convolution whilst trying to process the micro/macro aggressions; forming an additional psychologcal abuse, gaslighting.
Stolen Black Opportunities
Stephens legacy of a black man deserved 'true' honour and me not giving up hope in my life's journey as a black woman deserved 'true' closure & respect...
But this is not what happened at the Stephen Lawrence Centre under Mi-Soul's management, neither has been 'truly' afforded. Not only has this not been afforded, there was a concerted effort of more systemic, cocksure racism and other discriminations.
I had every intention of accomplishing great creative things and quietly heal my soul through the art of making others smile. Perhaps there might have been a bonus of getting help for the underlying matter of my attack and Stephens murder, if the dynamics permitted.
Gordon Mac has used the Stephen Lawrence Centre as a resource and an opportunity to centre himself and whiteness, grow generational wealth for him, his family and possibly, his close family friends and their extended recommendations. Mi-Soul DAB's accomplishments greatly involves systemic and cocksure racism. I was a part of the resource's utilised...
But once I was no longer required my efforts and black history was wiped out of existence from the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
To confidently steal someone else's accomplishments and history, certain dynamics have to be put in place, over time.
My healthy self esteem and confidence was purposefully taken out of context, reconfigured as uppity aka a 'diva' and was presented back to others of my peers as 'trouble' by a trusted person of authority, causing unnecessary room for concern.
The level of coherency within my state of mental health and wellbeing was suggestively brought under scrutiny by the wife of a senior. This will eventually lend to the notion of my experiences of discrimination, simply being a figment of my imagination and not to be taken seriously by my peers.
This dynamic encourage others from within the space of work to feel slightly more comfortable in any attempts to openly display acts of micro aggressions against me.
The director makes a CLEAR effort to NEVER praise my on air successes throughout the entire of six years of me being there. Instead I was constantly pulled up for any small and every larger mistake I made, all in a further effort to devalue my confident, on-air skillsets whilst using said skillsets to build his company, wealth, status and legacy.
The next attempt to undermine my graphics ability was more aggressive anda direct act of marginalisation which effectively worked. I finally recieved my first commision from within the building courtesy of Brian Power who works for Mi-Soul and is a strong cohort to Gordon. Even though Brian, was ecstatic with the outcome of my work for his project, he was somehow talked out of using my art, opting for another rendition from another personnel in the Mi-Soul office, Andrea Briton. As a result, my work never saw the light of day. Nothing was explained to me as to what happened. And yes, I found this all to be uncomfortable but my ask as to 'why' was purposefully delayed and minimal so as to not fall prey to the mind games and unwanted conflict that Id been trying to hot step around since the beginning of my arrival...
A few weeks later, Gordon mentioned that he had recommended me for a graphics job on Facebook and insisted I look to see whilst sat with him; there was nothing there - he was gaslighting me and enjoying it. Once again, I swerved any further conflict by thanking him for the recommendation and told him I'll look again later...
The next positive area of my life that was targeted was my longstanding relationship with my art and the bountiful abilities that had come from said relationship over the decades of my life. Gordon tried undermine my visually artistic qualities to just another resource to aid him in his company growth whilst simultaneously devaluing the validity of my skillset through conduct that was suggestive of me providing my refined ability for free, which I politely and quietly declined...
The next attempt to undermine graphic art ability was carried out by Gordon relishing in engaging with another DJ in reference to a paid graphics commision for a Mi-Soul event, in front of me. The collegue was the lovely Dr Psycho; he had studied with my cousin in college before she went off get her degree in art at UAL. I already knew the extent of Dr Psycho's abilities.
This felt like another attempt to triangulate me with a colleague whom I'd already established a healthy working relationship with. I said nothing to avoid unwanted conflict.
Instead, I chose to stay positive and designed my own graphic artwork to promote my Friday afternoon show on Mi-Soul. Gordon never EVER gave praise or any acknowledgement for this effort or for any of my graphic efforts for my show's on Mi-Soul DAB.
The next steps involve repeating steps 1 to 3 with an increased frequency, being sure to alternate with pleasantries so as to not be called out for the relentlessly abusive, micro aggressions. Gordon and Debra Mac became more comfortable with antagonising me in the presence of even more of my co-presenters and other personnel. A soft smear campaign is under way, just in case I speak out, at which point I become the problematic aggressor in the minds of others based on what they were previously told. Either way I lose; if I say something to defend myself, I'm an aggressive black woman and if I say nothing then I'm left open for even more abuse by other's who are witness to the dynamics. Outside of tell one or two people as and when these incidents occured, essentially I did nothing, which was a hard pill to swallow considerin that I DO NOT ordinarily tolerate racism in small or larger doses. But I had to consider my journey and Stephen's legacy along with all possible fall outs if I had chose to respond...
My feminine prowess as a black woman is under harsher attack. The psychological abuse and discrimination is now being bolstered with the addition of physical abuse. My hair is being pulled in public settings, My dress sense is being ridiculed in public settings with the addition of physical contact (dragging of my sleeve and pulling of my arm).I'm being chastised and verbally insulted to a point of needing rescuing by a third party whilst out of any comfort zone, in a foreign country.
In addition to humiliating me in the presence of other co-DJ's/Presenters I'm now subjected to open humiliations in front of fans of my show and listeners of the station. These hateful acts are coded behaviours, set solely to reduce my sense of self worth as a black woman and to encourage the removal of any high regard that others may have held for me as the black woman I present to them as. My hairstyle is an embedded part of my brand and identity
By now, all those who have been privy to the acts of discrimination and racism, know the drill. It's down to their own space of moral compass regarding how they choose to conduct themselves.
Even though Noble and Heath had an existing show on Soho Radio, Andrea Britton brings in Noble and Heath to Mi-Soul and the Stephen Lawrence Centre. Considering all the negative attention around my afro hairstyle over the four years prior, even though this is clearly my signature and prowess as a black woman, I knew Emma Noble's hairstyle that was fashioned around a black woman's afro was going to be weaponised against me as a tool for more humiliation and my complete devaluation and marginalisation as a black woman. I believe Andrea knew this too.
By now Mi-Soul DAB has disolved their CIC and are now operating as a LTD . This means Gordon can openly do as he pleases. At this stage my mental health is taking blow after blow but I find myself stuck and not knowing what to do. If I stay, I have no hope of closure but leaving means I've forfeited and caved to more racism against myself and Stephen's legacy. Plus, I'm stepping into a new unknown and for the first time in my long journey I'm unsure of was unsure of direction to go in; my friend who was atacked too has no idea that I've been at the Stephen Lawrence Centre the whole time. My brain told me to stay for me and for Stephen...
Meanwhile all that had happened up until this point was just the prelude to the direct attacks of harsh cocksure racism and discrimination that would follow...
Next up, Ronnie Herel who is another DJ at Mi-Soul and a close Cohort of Gordon's, commissioned me for graphics job and used the opportunity to thrust his relatively newly established girlfriend onto me in demanding that I "deal with Rosie" (as his business partner). As reluctant as I was, I agreed due to quiet despair in the idea of possibly being removed from the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
And even though Rosie was launching a business that supposedly champions women in business and had no tangible reason to exclude me from the core sentiments of her business; not only did she not champion me, she went above and beyond to devalue me using my work as the weapon.
Hiding behind her black boyfriend, Roie co-signs Ronnie telling me to provide the image with an afro but "DO NOT DRAW HER BLACK". There is no way I would've agreed to this asignment on any other normal day but this was not a normal time for me and my mental state was hanging on by a thread from all the previous discrimination. In my state of disorientation, I agreed to their request of whitewashing.
Within a matter of weeks after recieving the completed artwork. Rosie Coxshaw displayed more acts of devaluation by plagiarising my artwork on social media. My indelible signature was removed from the art itself.
Rosie also had my artwork stretched out in a most unflattering way and put on display for all to see. Considering I have not EVER seen ANY other images that have been distorted in this way when presenting herself professionally to a public, I have to assume that on this occasion Rosie had this distortion done with hateful intent as part of a continued devaluation spree.
The business deal that I had between Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel was forfeited on their end without any discussion or notice. As a result, I was cheated out of much needed promotion and was paid less on account of the promotional aspect of the deal being what was supposed to bridge the financial short fall.
I had already been smeared to Rosie behind the scenes and she had taken note that it was okay should she decide to devalue me before ever having met me. Rosie, who is practically half my age and was approaching her very first birthday when I was racially attacked in 1992, and her 2nd birthday when Stephen was racially murdered in 1993 was feeling great in 2018! Seemingly, she had just effortlessly cheated & humiliated a beautifully, intelligent black woman with the aid and consent of a potentially, self loathing black man and his cocksure, racist cohort from within the Stephen Lawrence Centre. Not only had she managed to accomplish the hateful act of racism but she had also managed to discriminate against me as a 'woman at work' for added devaluation.
This aided her in her brand of being "fearless and bold"; she was being uplifted, praised and endorsed by Gordon and others.
Of course, Gordon made sure to savour the triumphant moment of a brutal and calculated act of devaluation. I had been tricked into whitewashing my black feminine image and handing it over to racists who were now celebrating the downfall of my art, identity and womanhood, as a new generation of cocksure racism comes into play at the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
Almost immediately after Rosie's above conduct, Gordon continues the devaluation train by demoting me without warning. He removes me from my longstanding Friday afternoon show, handing it to another of my long standing racist antagonists. He gives me the option to leave or take a position of cover (think supply teacher for schools) This is all done before I can even catch my breath from the last round of psychological abuse.
At this stage, every use I may have previously had, had been used to full capacity. With no additional use for me, Gordon went into full drive with an expectancy of my departure.
At this point I was indeed a pile of mental mess, trying to keep it together. I had no idea what direction to begin looking in but knew that what was happening to me was utterly wrong.
ISOLATION STAGE:
When Shereen first arrived at the station she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. She adored my Friday afternoon show and we had a healthy working relationship. As the years went on, with all the tension of my having to deal with the regular bullying and (i imagine) all she would have heard others say about me, along with me coming in at 2 minutes to the top of the hour, at first to avoid all in the office and then out of habit of initially avoiding people in the office; dynamics changed. She was once my confidant when things got too much for me but I could sense that Gordon was slowly getting to her too. After much work...
Gordon and others eventually succeeded in removing Shereen as my last allie in the office. There was no protection and I had no confidant.
DNyce and I had grown a friendship over the years. It wasn't rock solid but it was decent enough and I would always try to stress the importance of black women supporting each other in the absence of outside support because, why not?! We shared many private discussions and had heard each others tears, I told her about my journey and she kept her up to date on the latest behaviours from Gordon toward me. I needed at least one sista to be solid...
But Gordon and his wife Debra Mac (mostly) worked overtime on coaxing DNyce away from me with subtlety. At some point DNyce had suggested that I might be Bi-polar as though she wasn't aware of what I was being put through as though it wasn't inhumane. In the end, over much period of time; DNyce was gone too...
DNyce was/is a person who needed validation in ways that I did not and from people whom were/are less than sincere. Gordon knew this...
Ironically, one of the last things she said tome was "Tutu, you are the realest person I've ever known!" Said to me after I left her speechless from telling her some home truths.
Toward the end of my last year, with no allies I'm now at the mercy of people who either have a hand in my demise or simply didn't know me; my friendliness or humour. None of my efforts to get slong and the healthy vibes I'd built with so may othe DJ's mattered any more, other than words one may have heard others use to describe me as part of a longstanding smear. One such person created a flyer using the silouhette of a civil rights activist to depict me, for what was supposed to be a fun club night out... I was done! I cancelled on the day but made other excuses.
At this point I'm dealing with quiet depression, quiet trauma, all brought on by my experiences at Mi-Soul from both the male and females. I've barely had a break or room to process any of what is being piled on top of the initial from 1992. I'm also dealing with quiet anxiety in knowing that I have to find a way to come to terms with not getting what I came for, with more years of racism added on to the timeline of my journey.
I'm dealing with quiet depression, quiet trauma, all brought on by my experiences at Mi-Soul. I've barely had room to process any of what is being piled on top of the initial from 1992. I'm also dealing with quiet anxiety in knowing that I have to find a way to come to terms with not getting what I came for, with more years of racism added on to my timeline. My final discard is but a few weeks away; Rosie seizes one last opportunity to throw mud my way. She calls and weaves in rage baiting, throws suggestive insults toward my mental state of being and belittles the worth of my work that she had stolen all whilst trying to swindle more benefits from my skillset before I'm finally discarded. Rosie still didn't know me from a can of paint when she chose to conduct herself this way with me.
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My discard arrives with zero grace afforded. I am not warned in advance, nor am I sat down. I recieve an impromptu phone call. I am not publicly thanked for six years of service, I'm told privately that "all good things come to an end...". I'm left on my own to tell the listener that I will no longer be a part of Mi-Soul DAB. And Gordon moves on as though I didn't just give six years in aid of building his now established company, from scratch in the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
It's a new dawn and the woman who, alongside her romantic partner, negatively, racially profiled black women with afros, belittled me, berated me and stole my artwork now frequents the Stephen Lawrence Centre and enjoys the resources afforded to her by Gordon under the umbrella of partnership with Mi-Soul DAB.
In the midst of uproar for George Floyds murder and the black lives matter movement, Gordon brought on board Mi-Soul, Janice & Lorraine whom he's known for over 30 years. They were placed to fill the Friday afternoon slot that I had once built from the ground up through all the various stages of being devalued, dehumanised and eventually, discarded and demonised, from within the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
With the new dynamics and an additional incentive to help Gordon manufacture new struggle for my existence, those who have previously subscribed to the demonization of my life and have collectively stolen all that seemingly constituted as my worth in the eyes of Gordon, quickly consolidate relationships and galvanise for the continuation of targeted and calculated acts of gaslighting, dog whistling etc. Matters are now officially beyond the rationale of whether or not I'm at Mi-Soul and the Stephen Lawrence Centre. My life is being targeted by those seeking to oppress me beyond all that has already been inflicted. Effectively, I need to be devalued again...
Upon my return to social media in 2020, I immediately blocked Gordon, but as much as it pained me, I maintained my friendship status with both Rosie Coxshaw and her partner Ronnie Herel. I had every intention of getting back my artwork once I'd recovered from the mental space I had been put in and I knew that over enough time, Rosie would display enough of a pattern to reveal the truth of her thoughts, intentions and actions due to her newly instated confidence. Equally, I also knew she would not unfriend me for two of her own reasons:
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She would want me to see her successes whilst she also kept tabs on what I may be doing
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Unfriending me would be a showing of malice.
In the absence of support from the community that I once helped to build, I 'm now independently presenting a production solution for my newly instated, self titled Tutu@2 radio/podcast show. Its not easy as I'm still fighting an imminent breakdown, but I put on a brave face and give it my all. I've been devalued and demonized. My knowledge and resources had already been extracted and stolen in assisting with generating wealth and growth for others; the remainder of my existence was discarded, so anything I do to elevate myself is seen as an attack on those who have already devalued me. As such, select others are coerced into unfriending me or simply ignoring me on social media, as Gordon seeks to take more affirmative action. The quiet message out loud is; my creative gifts and knowledge should not be used for my life's benefit, I should lose entitlement to peace, support and growth, all in favour of a life of turmoil & struggle for all of my days .
With Rosie having consolidated her Mi-Soul partnerships and with me discarded, she felt confident to open up a new stream of revenue from selling my stolen art, which I discovered in February 2020.
Rosie and her partner saw me gaining back my value in the presence of black femininity; in a bid to once again discredit, devalue and diminish the reality of me having the assets that afforded me the ability to model for myself, they hired Emma Noble to model my stolen artwork that they had initially asked me to whitewash for them. Their dog whistle choice of action also doubles down as an act of spite stemming from a perceived sense of power and control and the need to reinforce this status. My own art was continually used as a weapon against me, my black identity and its feminine status along with my creativity... An act of hate through cyber bullying.
Below are examples of me modelling for my self produced shows...
Below are images of Emma Noble modelling my stolen artwork for Rosie Coxshaw and her partners profit gain.
The president for dog whistling/cyberbullying had been set and with my silence being perceived as conceding to my devaluation, confidence grew within those who partook in the bullying process with an expectancy of zero pushback from me. After all, Gordon and others and nothing happened to them...
2020
2022
It was as though all things 'Tutu' were being re-written and white washed and at that stage, I had no choice but to remain silent through it all.
I was aware of the additional element of rage baiting and the obvious of a smear campaign, I didn't want to play into that hand, allowing others to officially tell people 'See, we told you! She's crazy and aggressive and that's why she had to go!'
Continuous, strategic rage baiting and devaluing was thrown my way including more plagiarism. My indelible signature was removed from my artwork, again.
If you go back to when I was at Mi-Soul, you'll remember the the progressive state of humiliation that was inflicted upon me by both Gordon Mac and his wife. Over time they adhered to shame me in front of spectators including those I referenced as friends from within the black diaspora.
If there are people who are willing participants in turning their backs on the targeted victim from within the same phenotype and genotype grouping as the victim (better known as 'Cocksure Racist Bandits') that's even better for any external racist or discriminator. This dynamic convolutes clear cut realities and serves as a great smoke screen should the victim speak up, which lends to even more cock surety for the external racist and/or discriminator because there is an even greater likelihood that the state of play means that the victim is far less inclined to speak up and speak out for fear of bringing down another black person and putting them in deeper 'black struggle' or perhaps the victim is fearful of losing a theoretical 'black card' for speaking out on a grouping of black people. Most cocksure racists are aware of the dynamics within a black community and will weaponise black people against each other for a desired outcome of gain for self (better known as 'divide and rule')
Even though, I'd actively supported Marcia Carr and was tolerant of all of her prior, foul behaviours for the purpose of trying to show her a more productive way to engage with another black woman for the sake of both parties gaining and progressing in a space where we could both, otherwise be targets of discrimination;
even though, I listened to her tears when she was in a pickle at the station and had been hoodwinked by Gordon; even though I had met Marcia after her shift of full time work in my local supermarket on two separate occasions for the specific reason of trying to actively support her in hatching a plan for success for her career;
even though I had categorically told her that I was in the midst of trying to secure significant funds and if successful, I would help her leave her cashier job in support of her truly going full time in the music industry as opposed to 'pretending' to be full time in the industry on social media;
even though I had, had numerous (countless) in depth conversations with her about focusing on her own progress instead of focusing on tearing down another as some sort of consolation, in the absence of real progress;
even though I had privately told her about why I came to the Stephen Lawrence Centre in the first place, through tears. And she knew I needed to break my art away from everyone there;
and even though she had nothing to do with my creative skills that I had acquired decades before she had ever embarked upon me, she still thought it made sense to go ahead and put in a desperate attempt to stop my life from progressing through the insidiously calculated compromising of what was supposed to be my new business venture...
Even though I had told her that at its core, my business was supposed to serve as a conduit through which, I intended to help other creatives from all ages who might be struggling financially and was in the midst of including several other organisations including my old art school.
Marcia had already uttered words such as "I'm gonna beat you up, I'm gonna punch you in the face" back in 2019 which prompted my desire to move away from her. I politely told her I no longer want a friendship or any engagement with her in January of 2020 and had to block her on social media not long after I came back in, in the March of the same year...
2016
2023
Even though Jacqueline would have undoubtedly heard me on the radio but in truth, had only ever sat with me to engage at length on just one occasion which meant she barely knew me and vice versa;
even though I barely knew her, I still spoke highly of her behind closed doors to a DJ who was a colleague at the time of him privately sharing with me that he had just started dating Jacqueline, to do my bit in contributing to the making sure she had the best experience that a romantic relationship had to offer anyone engaged in 'black love' which is almost a rarity in its promotion, in these times we live...
And even though, I had nothing against Jacqueline as another fellow human being and a black woman because... why would I? Still, proudly teaming with Marcia; Jacqueline jumped at the opportunity to partake in being one of the corners of yet another triangulation imposed upon my life in order to compromise and undermine my creative prowess for the purpose of even more devaluation. She even invited me to like and follow her business on Facebook as an extra edge of malice and went one step further in unfriending me when I announced the launch of my 'self built planet' website to showcase the richness of my creative tapestry. Again, considering that she doesn't know me, I found her seemingly desperate need to pluck from thin air a negatively led emotion and creative connection to my life, most bizarre.
But I don't doubt that Jacqueline saw this as anything of a raised brow, considering she had already witnessed Debra Mac (Gordon's wife) verbally attack me in Ibiza in response to me paying Debra a compliment. Jacqueline had already seen Gordon Mac hiding behind a wall as Debra humiliated me, going on to physically attack me later. So Jacqueline knew that she could do what she liked, after all, Gordon and others had done this to me at the Stephen Lawrence Centre and nothing happened to them...
2019
2020
Marcia presented herself as a friend whilst secretly waiting for the opportune moment to devastate my life from numerous spaces. She had long since been obsessed with the idea of my demise. With a secondary smear campaign underway, it was intensely important to her that I am never seen and never heard again, regardless of what that meant in the event of me not getting justice or closure for myself, my friends or possibly for Stephen. None of it mattered as long as she could salvage that which she coveted from me and yield a sense of power in the process... It won't be deemed a big deal, after all, Gordon and others did this to me in the Stephen Lawrence Centre and nothing happened to them...
Jacqueline Thompson Brown is Planet JQ just as I am Planet Tutu (if you say both of them out loud, they even sound the same...) It's about inclusivity and taking from Tutu's creative life includes you in what i can only describe as a gang mentality.
Even though I have no personal relationship with Andrea but seemingly got on beyond cordial in a working capacity and had a smile for her;
even though, I've never schemed to do anything untoward to Andrea Britton;
even though, she had already brought on board a woman that would go on to aid in my oppression whilst telling me in the moment that I was making something from nothing;
even though, Andrea had already won over an independent graphics comission that was originally awarded to me and didn't inform me until we no longer worked together;
Even though she had witnessed Debra Mac's verbal onslaught over me in Ibiza and did nothing but saw me the next day and told me not to worry about it;
even though, she is financially stable in her own right and her entire family is financially stable in their own right, she still decided that it just made sense to do the unthinkable in continuing on to insert herself in a new space of sabotage within my creative journey, by teaming up with Marcia Carr and Jacqueline Thompson Brown to create Planet JQ in the wake and the cusp of Planet Tutu. Andrea wouldn't have deemed it as a terrible act of malice, after all; she had committed other acts of sabotage on my life whilst at the Stephen Lawrence Centre and nothing happened...
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Even though DNyce and I had forged some sort of friendship;
Even though I would make sure to take as many great photos of her whilst she Dj'd and in her best light because it's not always easy to find someone who is willing to take photos of you in your best light due to some others not wanting to see you get the best promotion you may deserve;
Even though, I would include DNyce in photograph opportunities where possible to give her extra exposure;
Even though we shared a lot of personal exchanges on the phone, and DNyce was very much aware of what I was being subjected to; I would tell her on most occasions (sometimes through tears) and she would see some for herself and knew Gordon Mac had a racist based agenda;
Even though DNyce knew why I had come to the Stephen Lawrence Centre and I reminded her again after I had left Mi-Soul, in a moment of distress. To which she promptly interjected to tell me "I know, you told me already..."
when George Floyd was murdered, D'Nyce called to inform me of the news. In short we had a thoughtful exchange and at the end of it DNyce reluctantly admitted that she found it too hard to genuinely love herself as a black person. .
When she called to tell me that another black male broadcaster had come forward on social media to bring Gordon to task for his racism, I saw this as an opportunity to expose the realities of my experience and asked D'Nyce to back me. She asked how? I suggested that perhaps she could be an echo of my telling's, having witnessed or known about it prior, DNyce replied in saying "I didn't see nothing, I didn't hear nothing, I don't know nothing"'. The friendship didn't last much longer after that.
In the midst of all that these people were doing, coupled with the triggering of George Floyds death, my mental health was on a steady decline but I put on a brave face for social media. Behind closed doors, i called my friend Farah, who was also attacked with me back in 1992 and asked her to come forward again. She was shocked at the request; I had not asked her about this matter since her last decline back in the third quarter of 2012, just before I sought to go back into radio which was the original prompt that aided my arrival at the Stephen Lawrence Centre, Farah declined once more...
I spiraled fast. An entire new generation of racism had been bred at the Stephen Lawrence Centre and after decades of not giving up, I was now being used as the donkey within a racial hybrid game of pinnata that started from the one space I had hoped to gain closure from.
I remember feeling closed into a corner with nowhere to go. I remember feeling as though there was no more hope and that perhaps I'm beter off dead and that maybe thats what should have happened all along because if not, how is it that I came to the Stephen Lawrence Centre only to recieve more discrimination and hate? And to rop all off I was once again in a position of being gagged to speak up. If I tell everyone what happened to me in 1992, nobody will believe me, even though it felt like yeterday to me, it happened so long ago and with none of the others by my side, I had no evidence...
If I tell everyone what happened to me at the Stephen Lawrence Centre, nobody would believe me, they'll just say I'm a disgruntled ex employee pulling the 'race card' and no one will come forward to support me. The few that I had already told had either minimised my experience and discarded the informtion or had told me tonot say anything. I remembered DNyce dropping a gaslight bomb in trying to put the idea that I may be Bi-polar into the ether on two seperate occasions in 2019 (which is so far from any reality) but I knew that there would be every possibility that this is what the narrative would most likley become if I ever spoke up and in considering my life's journey and Stephen's legacy, I couldn't afford to have that hanging over me. Once a mental illness comes into play, I knew it could and likely would impact the navigation of any justice I may try to seek later down the line and could be as compromising of a factor for as anyone accusing me of being an aggressor.
all things considered, I had no choice but to once again, stay quiet on all fronts. This had an effect on my thought process; My most precious prowess (my art) had been stolen, my black identity had been cut up into so many parts and stolen or iterated by numerous others, I now have an obsessed female stalker who presents as some what, normal to a public, I've been ostracised and I'm being smeared from every space.
The closure I never gave up on from the 20th century is now somewhere even farther in the distance and I cuold no longer attain it or even see it through all the new 21st century fog which was getting thicker and just kept spreading. I had no way back and no way forward, all wre doing their level best to insure, Mi-Soul would be my last stop of creativity and I would be stuck.
In theory, the above is where it should have ended for me. Had I gone through with a suicide nobody would have known the truth of my experiences. My history would have been wiped clean with a new manufactured one in place. One that will fit the narrative for the current state of play for those who had helped themselves to my history for their own gain. In it's place; others will hold a story of tragedy over my name, a one woman train wreck of a life with an untimely death that could've been predicted based on the narrative filtered through the various smear campaigns. All of those involved would most certainly have had blood on their hands but in my permanent silence, would quietly exonerate themselves from any blame. Nor Marcia or DNyce would tell people of my journey of courage, strength and its symbiotic connection to Stephen's murder, and if they did, it would most likely be in the underhanded context of fitting the narrative of "delusion" that Rosie Coxshaw dared to wash her mouth over me as they go on to cement the branding of me as someone with mental health issues, perhaps Bi-polar or perhaps a different cluster B category, or maybe even multiple, did I hear someone say "body dysmorphia"?. Gordon could shrug his shoulders whilst firmly stating with conviction how much he' tried to help Tutu but...' and after the RIP's have all been exhausted in their little circulation, all would exhale as they rest assured in never being challenged in moving on to another day with the following in tow...
As a new 'gang' like ensemble was emerging, a wealth of galvanising took place. To be clear I know that this was not all about me but I also knew that considering all of the calculated hate that had already been reigned down on my life, I was triangulated in most of the decisions made on this front and by these people.
So, Janice and Lorraine moved from coming on board Mi-Soul on a Friday afternoon to flat out stealing my black history and wiping out my journey by stating that they are" the first daytime female DJ's on Mi-Soul". They state this untruth whilst doing the showtime that I once buit and with all that had been taken from me, that was the one prideful thing I had left and Gordon would know that as well as other of the men of the Mi-Soul daytime... And now it's gone.
Galvanise #2
Rosie Coxshaw continues with Funky Dory events adding Janice and Lorraine to their events line up along with Gordon Mac who had been on the line up since its inception...
Galvanise #3
Ronnie Herel is Rosie Coxshaws romantic partner, together they run Funky Dory. Ronnie is also Head of music at Mi-Soul and a strong cohort of Gordon Mac who owns Mi-Soul, which is how Emma Noble first arrived in the room and now, she isn't just 'the face' of my artwork, she also DJ's for Funky Dory and still does the occasional show for Mi-Soul DAB...
Galvanise #4
Jacqueline Thompson Brown maintains mirroring the behaviours of the others. She stays close to the Mi-Soul gang, goes to Funky Dory events and maintains relations with other Mi-Soul personnel. Her connection to them may consist of a few things but one of them will be the knowing that she too had cheated me and put in an oar of devaluation, which she reminds them of as she proudly takes photographs of her Planet JQ brand merchandise whilst at a Funky Dory event. The main photograph on the left is with Jacqueline on the far left with Brian Power who is a close cohort of Gordon Mac and who also works at Mi-Soul and to his left is his wife Surjit Power; this photograph takes pride of place in one of the Funky Dory event albums on the Funky Dory business page on Facebook.
I recall, as I quickly fixed myself in preparation for the photograph that was taken of Jacqueline Thompson Brown, Marcia Carr, seen on the left; just after the picture was taken, Jacqueline looked at me in an ominous way as she proceeded to engage in an impromptu, makeshift lecture on why I shouldn't 'focus on' or pay too much attention to my appearance. I distinctly remember because it was all very left field and a clear moment of discombobulation.. Imagine a stranger embellishing an assumption of your character, forcing this onto you as fact, and then going on to give you advice on how to rid yourself of said character trait, its highly intrusive. I told her that I care as much as the next woman?! However, its nice to represent us black women with grace and give aspiration to other younger black women in a world that likes to put us down and dismiss our femininity. Considering less than hour earlier, Jacqueline was open to sharing (without prompt) that she had witnessed Debra Mac's attack on me, an attack focused on me apparently looking "a state!" according to Debra, Jacqueline should've known better, and I believe she did and simply chose to go a different route. I briefly saw Jacqueline a second time in January of 2019 at an event that I went to in 'support of Marcia Carr after she begged me to come to support a 'black woman' due to her doing a DJ set on the night'. Even though I was tired I showed up for all of 15 minutes and smiled with everyone before I left. Once again Jacqueline gave me that ominous look as, this time she labelled me 'quirky'. Knowing that I'd possibly be in for a second helping of unwanted critique on a phantom level of my "caring too much about..." I quickly and politely minimised the subject matter by shrugging my shoulders and with a smile, I stated "I'm just me, I wear whatever the mood feels like...".
And now, here Jacqueline is trying to flourish with an entity that focuses on women's awareness in sense of dress and style, which is about as much attention you could ever place on the subject of appearance as any woman possibly could...
Galvanise #5:
Even though Marcia Carr no longer works for Mi-Soul and had even departed before me, she has, never stopped her tries to maintain relevance with the movement. She has had working relations with some of the DJ's for years prior, so this is understandable but her efforts to maintain status in the 'Tutu hate' train has not gone unnoticed either. She connects herself through any space she can fit into and in this case she has galvanised with others through Jacqueline's Planet JQ.
Galvanise #6
DNyce is not much skilled in the space of galvanising on this front but she didn't have to on this occasion. Others who noticed that she isn't much of the galvaniser chose to use her as a tool for my overall destruction; namely Debra Mac who sought to gain favour with DNyce in order to isolate me and Marcia Carr who found an enticing gig for DNyce to DJ at as a front of kindness in wake of Marcia's planned devastation for 'Planet Tutu'. Looking back, I'm no longer confident to say DNyce never knew what was happening prior to Marcia's inflictions but I do know that she knew what Debra Mac and Gordon Mac were doing.
Galvanise #7
Gordon's space of galvanise took a different shape and no longer needed to focus on my demise, others were overseeing that space. Gorson's focus was on the next stage of growth and shaping of his company in the Stephen Lawence Centre. He had galvanised all of his longstanding friends and associates non black wives and girlfriends and Janice & Lorraine in providing them with new expressive and creative opportunity via Mi-Soul. Outised of whatever may transpire from this full report and series of blueprints, I don't believe that Gordon would have any intentions of ever bringing in another black woman and placing her in a prominent space for her to shine, ever again. The heavy lifting is over as far as the initial build and Gordon has long since abandoned Mi-Soul as a CIC in favour for a LTD where he can do what he pleases and has no obligations to a community, even though he's in the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
The next stage of this process and/or dynamic is for all to present themselves as a virtuous and morally upstanding individual in their own right, to a public. As you already know, most people do this every day on social media but in this instance I'm highlighting a very intentional and calculated 'false mask act' which could easily and potentially lead to an even greater devastating outcome for the victim (in this case, me).
When black people turn a blind eye to racism against other black people only to then take to social media to present themselves in a completely different light with a false narrative of NEVER turning a blind eye, more over, they are are presenting themselves as a loud and proud advocate against racism, all they are TRULY doing is sending a clear message to all racists in their sphere that they can do whatever they please to whomsoever from within the black community that they choose as a victim without being held to ANY accountability. More over, they're online stance works as a smoke screen for the racists; the message is that Jane can't be racist because she engages with Anna and Anna is a strong advocate for anti racism so there's no way that she would have anything to do with a racist. However, behind closed doors Jane is racially terrorising Tutu and although Anna knows and has seen for herself she's turned a blind eye and is acting as though there is nothingto tell... The question then becomes how far will Anna go with the victim in knowing Jane will never say anything? Also, Anna is provided with a smokescreen just from proximity to Jane...
I would also like to point out the continuation of a reversal of fortune that runs as one of the underbellies of both systemic and cocksure racism...
Denise Campbell (DJ DNyce):
This post is from the woman who knew my situation and experiences, but once I'd plucked up the courage to come forward and asked for backing, she "didn't see nothing, didn't hear nothing and doesn't know anything." I was left to my own devices with no witnesses not even the 'allie' was willing to support me. But to a public, on social media it's a different foot forward...
MARCIA CARR:
starting first with passive aggression, Marcia Carr came to the Stephen Lawrence Centre, and Immediately decided that her position with the ONLY other, existing on-air black female was going to one that was fuelled with hate. Posing as an associate then moving on to a 'friend', she sought to take full advantage of the other black woman's desire for comradery with the other black women in the Stephen Lawrence Centre and motioned for a continuous and eventual, clear and concerted effort to destroy the life journey and continued growth of the other black woman who was trying to support Marcia in good faith. Marcia has completely ignored sensitive information surrounding the black woman and her connection to the poignant black history of the building in which Marcia came to meet her in, citing words such as "Not everyone can do what you do Tutu!"
Regardless, below in her post, she eludes to a complete 180° paradox in terms of her own choice of actions and intentions and appears to be exasperated by the construct of racism which, like DNyce; completely ridicules the importance of the global eradication of racism.
JACQUELINE THOMPSON BROWN (PLANET JQ)
Jacqueline Thompson Brown learned extremely quickly to display acts of hate toward me because of my creative and expressive background; She has conspired with others (some of whom have committed multiple acts of hate against me) without provocation, warrant or prior warning. Due to the specified dynamics of these pre-meditated, hateful occurrence's, the above mentioned seemingly came naturally to her.
None the less, below is how Jacqueline chooses to present herself to a public on social media.
Again, Jacqueline did not do the right thing at any of the numerous spaces of opportunity that were granted to her. Till this day she has not done the right thing in this space of conduct. She has not shown me any grace she has supported others who have not shown me grace and I think this is a crying shame.
GORDON MACNAMEE (Gordon Mac)
Gordon Mac's company is based n the Stephen Lawrence Centre. Gordon was the man who said "you black people never doing anything, all you ever do is moan but you don't do nothin" and said so whilst on location at the Stephen Lawrence Centre; He targeted the only black, female survivor of the Acourt gang to have walked through the Stephen Lawrence Centre gates; physically (common) assaulted the survivor on two occasion; purposefully forged a dynamic where the only survivor became a target for racism and other discriminations then woefully turned a blind eye to all of the reflecting conducts that were of direct subsequence of his initial manipulations; conspired with his wife Debra Mac to attack and humiliate the female survivor in a foreign country (rendering the survivor as even more vulnerable); Encouraged his wife to desperately try to instil fear in the survivor to gain unwarranted control over them; verbally abused and humiliated the survivors black female friend with explicit sexual connotations in a public setting at a progressive black event in black history month; imposed a covert policing of the survivors creative progress in order to cheat the survivor of any true success whilst using the survivors resources to ensure his own progress and success at the Stephen Lawrence Centre; encouraged others to benefit heavily from the undermining of the survivors artistic abilities even though the basis of the Stephen Lawrence Centre is on account of Stephen also being artistic and was aspiring to be an architect before his attack and untimely passing; eliciting free labour from the survivor under false pretences; Effectively centring whiteness and white dominance in the Stephen Lawrence Centre; creating and opening up the means for a new breeding ground of 'Cocksure' and 'Systemic' Racism in the Stephen Lawrence Centre for a new generation to continue forth with what the Acourt gang started back in 1992 for the only survivor; compromising and effectively bringing the ONLY black mans historical legacy with global reach to come from out of the UK into disrepute solely for the self centred, personal gain of white control and leverage of power over progressive black culture; came to the Stephen Lawrence Centre and established a CIC entity in presenting himself as for the community, dissolved the CIC in 2019 and transferred all assets to a LTD company, went on to change the business address to Stephen Lawrence Centre in 2022 and started to elevate himself to a space of winning awards and accolades
Possibly bringing Britain into a further racial spotlight and disrepute with having received an honour of M.B.E on account of a set of achievements, perceived to have been obtained with righteousness as opposed to a plethora of strategically played out acts of deceit riddled with carefully executed manipulations, psychological abuse, and instilled fear where needed for the exploitation of a community with the inclusion of exploiting the legacy of a deceased black man who died at the same hands of the racists who attacked the survivor who helped Gordon build his business for six years before he kicked her out, all in order to satisfy an insatiable need to govern over more of a community and in turn oppress some activities pertaining to 'actual' creative black progression and the black people who it's supposed to benefit in abundance at the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
Regardless, below, Gordon's company have posted on social media that they "Strive to honour Stephen's legacy..." whilst I have no doubt that his company may have made financial donations, at this point I'd equate any financial gives to that of a person stealing a starving mans loaf of bread, then opening the pack to donate back to the starving man, one slice from that loaf.
The level of required cognitive dissonance to align the posts featured below is undoubtedly in the paramount realms of what can only be referred to as yet another absurdity on the paradoxical scale of cocksure and systemic racism.
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Below left, you can see the clear post of Stephen Lawrence with the appropriate strapline 'A Legacy of Change'. If you look just above, to the right of Stephens post of change, you'll get a poignant wake up call of realisation that Mi-Soul care not, nor have zero intentions of aligning themselves with any progressive 'change' in the space of and dynamics pertaining to racism. Allow me to explain in point 2:
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Ronnie Herel is pictured in mid flow of doing a radio show in the Mi-Soul Studio based in the Stephen Lawrence Centre and as you can see, he's pictured happily wearing the stolen art work from another survivor of the Acourt gang that he stole!. Art which the survivor (who is a black woman with an afro) was commissioned to design with her own skillset. However... Ronnie made it clear to the artistic survivor to "Give the artistic image an afro but do not make her black!" because apparently a black woman with an afro is deemed as an alienation for white people according to Ronnie Herel and his partner Rosie Coxshaw, even in the Stephen Lawrence Centre. Whilst it was Ronnie who verbalised this particular request Rosie has unequivocally echoed Ronnie's sentiments through her actions.
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The image to the right of the Mi-Soul Instagram grid is another post from Mi-Souls Instagram page, celebrating Rosie Coxshaw for enlightening and championing women at work. Rosie is the same woman who has (privately) been celebrated for berating and strategically, racially dog whisting the black woman with the afro hair style who, outside of being another survivor of the racist Acourt Gang; she is also the working artist that was duped into creating artwork for a purpose,that Rosie went on to steal and unlawfully retail for her own profit once Rosie thought the coast was clear due to the survivor being kicked out of the Stephen Lawrence Centre after being duped into helping Gordon Mac and Mi-Soul build their start-up company for cheap labour and no lasting benefit over the course of six years... But not before Rosie could get a chance to call said female artist to utterly under mine and devalue all aspects of her creativity whilst labelling the artist/survivor as "delusional" and that it was Rosie and her partner who let the black female artist/survivor sign her own finished artwork as a way of letting her know that she has no power or control, not even over her own creations. These posts represent hidden exploitation in plain sight.
But the naked eye will see black people and their creative historical culture being celebrated and placed at the forefront with an additional effort of tackling other spaces of discrimination by seemingly championing women at work this is what exploitation and insincerity in plain sight looks like, which brings me on to Rosie Coxshaw's smokescreen on Social Media...
ROSIE COXSHAW:
within the realms of cocksure racism there is a space for nuanced misogynoir; and within the various spaces of misogynoir there is one such dynamic that is steadily becoming apparent to the masses. This dynamic involves the union of a closet racist. non black woman and her internally racist black partner (I use the term black as opposed to Afro/Caribbean because this is a global phenomenon and not exclusive to just the UK) The union is said to be one of love but in truth it is one based on the coming together of hate and envy for 'blackness' and the mutual need to feel desired to replace their own internal feelings of undesirability.
The unhealthy levels of need to seek validation of desirability within a relationship of this dynamic can often lead to one or both partners wanting to conjure a triangulation with an unsuspecting black female victim. The victim is usually but not exclusively, someone whom either one or both partners feel some level of threat by and is positioned in the warped romantic partner(s) mind as a representation for black women as a whole. Perhaps the non black woman needs to feel assured that she is at best, of the same standard of womanhood as the black woman or at worst feels a desperate need to prove a nonsensical point of being of more worth than the black woman even though the two women are likely from different cultural backgrounds and belong to differing groups of phenotypes and genotypes which means they will have two completely different life experiences that are simply incomparable in 9/10 spaces of existence. In fact, the only possible competing factor would be; who of these two women would win the man's heart? And more often than not the black woman is unsuspecting and has no romantic desire for the man in question nor does she wish to be forcibly associated within the walls of his relationship with another, regardless of the non black woman's heritage or any other denoting factors, hence why she is referenced as the 'victim'.
Regarding the man in question, he may have a perceived notion of feeling less than his black female counterpart in his society and is grappling with a need to prove otherwise. Or perhaps he had an unpleasant experience with his black mother in his formative years.
Through inflicted psychological abuse and other possible forms of abuse, both partners will desperately and forcibly try to hold the 'essence' of the black female victim's begrudged soul as a twisted crutch to aid the navigation, validation and benchmark the worth of their relationship with each other.
Due to systemic racism, hiding this kind of misogynoir in plain sight is easily accomplished and not many black women are heard. It's another reason why I've had to pace myself for a time before revealing the reality of things, and here we are...
With a wealth of cocksure racist confidence previously instilled in her by Gordon Mac, Ronnie Herel and select others, Rosie Coxshaw orchestrated a path in which for her to thrust her existence into my life with gusto for the sole intention of causing severe and lasting emotional and psychological harm...
Through a commission, Rosie Coxshaw and her partner tricked me into providing her with my artistic skillset for less financial gain on my part with an understanding that I would be promoted which was what I needed most at that time, this request of less than honorable intention was presented to me as above board on the day of the 'Nine'Night' (vigil) of a colleague who had just passed unexpectedly whom I had a great working relationship with, thus I was under mental duress and deeply saddened; Rosie did not show any care for the fact that I was the first female DJ at Mi-Soul and that the very establishment in which she came to find her partner was an establishment that I had helped to build; Rosie did not care that I was her senior and that she should show some respect; Rosie and her partner wanted the core identity feature of an indigenous black woman as a key feature of the artwork for their logo use i.e an afro, but made it clear to me to not make her black because "they do not want to alienate the white people" Rosie showed no gratitude for the reality that without me, she would not have a logo for her own professional progression; Rosie assumed me to be less intelligent and tried to trick me into giving her my intellectual property; when Rosie was unsuccessful in convincing me to hand over my intellectual property Rosie then mentioned her partners name with a passive yet threatening demeanour as a last ditch attempt; regardless of me stating in no uncertain terms that she would need to buy the intellectual property, Rosie stole my intellectual property and registered it has her official trademark for 10 years just two days after I had stipulated the terms; Rosie and her partner registered my intellectual property as theirs, and did so under 40 individual classes of which,nor her or her partner informed me of prior to me agreeing to the terms of creating art for purpose and did not get any consent from me to do so; Rosie forfeited on her end of the business deal and I did not receive any promotion and have not to date; Rosie hid behind her 'black' partner as they schemed to harm me with my own artwork by using it as a tool to continue in a quest to devalue and humiliate me in plain sight for other of my DJ colleagues to see online; When I didn't react to all that Rosie had done, she came to a Mi-Soul gig I was Djing and in knowing all of what she had done, she came to find where I was and began dancing in my line of sight as if to casually get my attention then casually acted unsuspecting as though she wasn't sure quite sure of who I was (but I greeted her with kindness as opposed to potentially taking any rage bait that was constantly being served by her); Rosie strategically aligned the administering of all the above in tandem with launching her business called Modern Woman which is a self appointed company set to support and advocate for women at work; Rosie has branded herself as someone who is 'Championing Women at work whilst she has done all of this to me;
Regardless, in this video upload to social media, Rosie issat in the Mi-Soul studio's with the two women who have stolen my black histopaints a completely different picture of where her virtues lie. She holds great interest in people's challenges from a working/professional capacity and wants to bring people together from all walks of life and share stories etc... She also reads a lot of books and this deep seeded passion to help others is what gets her out of bed each morning...
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A post featuring a book of inspiration authored by Maya Angelou. This wonderful book is from my personal book collection. I'm aware it has inspired so many black women in the wake of systemic racism and misogynoir which are just two of a few abhorrent's that Rosie has 'gone out of her way' to gleefully participated in, whilst targeting me. I posted this book when I was selected for a book challenge on Facebook in the lockdown.
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A post of inspiration for all women but: in particular black women on account of the often perpetual hypersexualised 'image' of us that floods a high percentage of media spaces. I'm a creative nerd but on account of how I look whilst being black, I've been persecuted for celebrating the very being that I am. People have constantly tried in finding new ways to minimise my level of intelligence or simply, diminish and discard it's existence as they go on to attempt to gaslight me into believing it was never there to begin with... Much like Rosie Coxshaw has done.
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A posted photo of Michaela Coen and myself. This photograph was taken after a private screening of her Netflix film 'Been So long' co-starring Arinzé kene. After the screening there was a Q&A with Michaela and some of the producers. One of the key subject matters that we all discussed was the numerous stumbling blocks the film faced when trying to secure its production budget. The issue in this was on account of most potential backers didn't want to fund a romantic film where both romantic interests were black. There were many who apparently wanted to invest but only under the pre-requisite that one of the love interests was white, 'make the woman white or...' The team didn't waiver and as a result the budget was far less than expected but they made it work. Because there are fewer representations of black women seen in certifiably positive positions whether it be in business or the projection of how we are depicted in personal life, i imagine when we present ourselves to a public in a light that we chose to be seen in it's an issue. This was certainly the case for me whilst trying to present black positivity in a historically black building; it clearly caused such a huge stir. The love interests of my black male DJ peers were beside themselves on account of my mere existence. Nobody cared to do the internal work in asking themselves why my presence bothered them so much? and get themselves a grip. They didn't even want to do the bare minimum in quietly deducing that on account of it being a historically black building, a progressive black woman SHOULD be there and in a space of prominence, no less. Instead, I was hounded, challenged by the unfathomable insecurities of those who had racially led antiquated views on a black woman's place being somewhere... over there and no place in here where the black men are. Apparently that spot is reserved for non black women, so move it along Tutu...
Rosie coxshaw is in the throws of people who clearly took umbrage to my black feminine presence. Because, if Rosie can readily post this on Michaela Coen being the 'first black woman' of anything (take your pick) knowing this is a black woman that Rosie has never met and has not directly benefited from in any capacity her space of business...
Below are three Modern Woman posts that have been thoughtfully selected in order to chosen to highlight the nuanced reality of dog whistling, gaslighting and cocksure racism for the victim, all with the aid of systemic racism whilst also, seemingly providing positive content for the masses.
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A post with an inspiring quote from Maya Angelou. for the most part, Maya Angelou's words of expression were to inspire those from within a black community for the struggles placed upon their lives by the Rosie Coxshaws of this world we live in. But Rosie has skipped passed this fact and with the same view that she has of her own personal target of racism, Rosie casually uses Maya Angelou's quote as a muse in which to align her brand with in presenting it and herself to a public in a formidable way... whilst she continues to distress and bring about more struggle for another black lide in the 21st century.
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A post of an image of a black woman used with a positive message attached for a promotional event - This makes no sense when you realise that the person who shared this post has strong feelings about not wanting a black woman representative as a logo but would rather extract the black woman's phenotype and place it on a non black woman as a more fitting alternative...
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A post of celebrating Michaela Coel as the first black woman to receive an award for outstanding writing for a limited or anthology series. Commentary on this Modern Woman post is in full in the below segment(s)
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Gordon and others knew how much my relationship with my art meant to me...
Below is another example of Rosie flexing her dog whistle muscles... I am of the people, and Rosie has proudly stolen my artwork... Does the sentiment of this post mean I'm never to be free from Rosie? Am I always going to be her cocksure racist fix? Was this another rage bait attempt? Gaslight perhaps? I'm sure you get the gist. Ordinarily, subliminal racism is so hard to prove but under the blatant circumstances around Rosie Coxshaw literally nominating herself as both an entrepreneur and someone who 'champions women at work' it's hard to believe that she didn't know what she was doing with this post of dual meaning, especially as this post was put up after my website launched with my one and only blog Titled 'Art & I' in reference to my longstanding relationship with art. Nonetheless, let's all celebrate every other black woman and her art, but Tutu whom we simply steal from and then white wash her out of her own life.... In Black History month.
The above video looks innocent enough, one would be forgiven for wanting to aspire to this wholesome space of uplifting. But this video is just an exported reality. In truth what you are watching is three women gathered; two of whom have immorally claimed for themselves, the reality and integral black history of the only racially attacked, black female survivor of the Acourt gang who once walked through the Stephen Lawrence Centre gates as the 'true' first, daytime female DJ on Mi-Soul thus. This survivor helped to build the very radio station these women enjoy in the today, in getting it over the line from internet radio when barely anyone was listening, to a point of becoming a thriving DAB licensed station. And despite hearing the third of these women in the video speak with rich, high vibrational positivity, in her passionate quest to support women, in reality, she is the woman who has cunningly shielded her racism behind her partner who is of Afro/Caribbean decent, by requesting that the artwork they will use in a space of prominence have key features synonymous with a black Afro/Caribbean woman but not black skin because a black (brown) complexioned woman may be seen as an alienation for white people. That same third woman you see, intently went on to steal said artwork, abuse the black African female survivor, devalue the survivor and give the survivor one last boot of aggression as the survivor was being kicked out of the Stephen Lawrence Centre. The third woman you see has been gaslighting, dog whistling and tormenting the black, African female survivor intermittently ever since to a point of almost succeeding in her contribution toward silencing the black female survivor forever, whilst the third woman now frequents the Stephen Lawrence Centre at leisure to sit with the two women who have stolen the survivors history and who now do the show time previously attributed to the survivor. They talk about inspiring and uplifting women but none of these women have EVER publicly mentioned the female survivors name in a positive light in any space of public setting and refuse to acknowledge her human existence, even though it is the very life and journey along with the skills and effort of this black female survivor along with the untimely death of the black man whose name is on the building that is affording these women the grace to thrive in the first place.
The below post where Rosie is featured with black women and her black DJ boyfriend to the side as a dog whistle reminder, was put up by Rosie Coxshaw within 2+ weeks after the call she gave me and just a matter of days before Gordon had his business partner call me out of the blue to tell me that going forward, I will no longer be at Mi-Soul. The post seems innocent enough to the naked eye; a nice info post. Had I called Rosie out for all that she had done, I would've been shut down by the naysayers and most likely would've been referenced as a disgruntled ex employee who was now pulling the race card on account of jealousy...
At this point I would like to remind all that Rosie Coxshaw launched to the public her Modern Woman business of championing women at work in the exact same timeline and in tandem with her being thrusted into my life and her launching an attack of racial and sexual discrimination on me, albeit this is the height of systemic racism in another of it's finest hours...
Please watch the below excerpt video from the series Roots as a reference ONLY to an EXAMPLE that is succinct with both the feeling and energy I was left with and the fluctuating temperament of Rosie's tone whilst she engaged with me on our second and last call. Listen from time stamp: 1:00 - 1:50
And yet Rosie Coxshaw has managed to bulldoze her way into the life of the black female survivor of a racially led brutal attack, trick the survivor into whitewashing her own black image with the sinister intentions that have since unfolded and at this stage Rosie has managed to diminish the black survivors existence to nothing more than a miniaturised whitewashed graphic image with the survivors signature on it (which was supposed to be the survivors pride and joy) that Rosie proudly wears on her chest and promptly posts onto social media as a dual symbol of permanent white dominance over the devalued life of the black, African survivor and their artistic prowess but also as a marketing tool to sell more merchandise for Rosie's profit gain and unless you're in the know, nobody would ever know the sinister dog whistle and racist undertones...
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Below are three of my Facebook posts depicting areas of my 'real life experiences' as a black woman that have been chosen in accordance with Rosie's Coxshaw's Modern Woman posts above. All commentary on these posts are below:
But yet the first black woman DJ and first woman DJ overall to enter into and help to build the radio station, through which she met her love interest who gave her a kickstart into the community for her to begin engaging in business with others, including that same first woman DJ to enter through the doors whom Rosie actively had an agreement to promote as part of a business transaction; Rosie would rather run the risk of losing both her businesses, lose her entire career, have a lawsuit served to her, be revealed for being a racist, lose her reputation, jeopardise the reputation or intellectually compromise other businesses in close proximity to her with others possibly assuming that they too, are racist; Rosie would rather run the risk of these things happening to her than to simply do this...(see below)
Instead this is what Rosie and her partner (my colleague at the time) decided to do in the debut moment of them launching my graphic art as their logo which was the official moment they were supposed to promote me in accordance in the little they paid. As you can see, they went all the way out in bending over backwards to aggressively let me know that they would rather devalue me before they ever promote me, This is sheer wickedness...
Using my artwork (which by now was stolen intellectual property) they reserved grace for everyone else instead...
Can you see the the nuanced cocksure racism now? No black women allowed in spaces of long-term prominence. Rosie will absolutely sprinkle black women here and there where it makes sense to her narrative; a Modern woman spotlight here, a quote from a famous black Woman there, a female activist on racism here, book a black singer there, but no black women in permanent spaces of prominence, those positions are reserved for white women and almost white women only to be seen with black men, even at The Stephen Lawrence centre. And it's not Rosie's place to decide where a black woman stands in her own life and heritage, it never was and it never will be...
The fact is, the standard of non black women in alignment with black men being the status quo was being introduced as a non negotiable dynamic some years prior to Rosie's full integration into the Mi-Soul community, suffice to say, by the time she arrived, Mi-Soul had made sure that the Stephen Lawrence Centre was going to be a safe haven for a more aggressive, newer generation of Rosie's racism.
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With all the relentless cocksure racism and sexism, I've gone from being the effervescent, daydreamer with colourful thoughts of endless beauty in the world and an approach to others that embodied the sentiment 'each to their own' to now being in a constant state of anguish and despair. And because, I wore my heart on my sleeve, it effected change in the energy of some of my posts on social media. I went from happily posting positivity like that of below:
To this...
Over the relentless timeline of discrimination, I found myself stepping away from a fluffy existence and slowly coming into an unknown space that seemed like a soft launch into the very space that I didn't want nor did i choose it for my life to exist in...
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Before you know it, you're literally morphing into the very entity the was once, unduly put over your head without request or your desire; but now you've sunken in as the by-product of all you have had to endure and in place of the beautiful expressions and joys that come with freedom of mind you're now locked into a new'black struggle' that wasn't there before. One that you had no hand in the design of; ironically much like the flyer of 'Tutu & Friends' (which someone thought was an apt design for a fun loving, music based club night and without my consent put my name on h tin and uploaded it onto social media) the design was created by non black people and simply placed on your... It's that easy.
So I suppose these people below must be my friends that are coming to the club night... in Margate!
And then... We all come full circle...
The fun loving care free black woman (me) who was just trying to skip to her own beat in life so as to get closure, becomes girl interrupted and is savagely yanked from her own space by racially motivated individuals who believe that a black woman should not represent ANY space that may depict divine feminine. Instead, they spend years working to break her down through a manufactured black struggle that they've created and literally thrown over the black woman's life (me) like a fishing net and they're forever updating through a system of cocksure racism.
My hand is supposed to be clenched into a ball much like that of a burly man as I begin a new psychological fight for the freedom that had already come as a standard with my existing life as a black woman. And while those who have done this to me, enjoy watching from afar as my life crumbles into a non existence, the very same people who manufactured my struggle in accordance with the struggle of other notable civil rights activist from times gone by, use images of those celebrated activists; they post these photos on to their social media platforms for the station that I once helped to build, they do so to align themselves closer with the brand of black music so the station can grow and the white/white adjacent women can feel more in tune, whilst in their space of prominence at a black radio station based in the Stephen Lawrence Centre, the man who died at the hands of those who also attacked my black female friends and I in 1992...
The two social media posts below are from the same establishment whose director (Gordon Mac) said to a black woman "you look just like a black girl I used to fuck back in the day" The lady is an intellect with two degrees and her own business. Gordon said this to her whilst being introduced for the first time. The location was at a cinema for a private screening of a documentary about the same civil rights movement from whence Angela Davies came into prominence. Gordon said this, thoroughly humiliating everyone involved, laughed it off and promptly he left the cinema before the documentary actually started. Because there's never any true interest, unless there's an angle to exploit...
Exploitation of black pain, black death, black creativity in work, rest and play. Ultimately, black lives!
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This is directly to Rosie Coxshaw. 1)Rosie, do you understand why the Stephen Lawrence Centre exists? If the answer is “No” Then I put it to you that you should’ve done your research prior to hotfooting it down, there. However, if your answer is “yes.” Well then that springboards to a host of other questions such as: 2)Can you imagine how thick skinned a black woman has to be to get up and try to show up for yet another day of whatever she may have planned with a possible side order of unwanted racism? 3)Can you imagine how thick your skin has to be as a black woman who has to overlook a million obstacles and goalposts manoeuvres in the hopes of reaching her own goals? 4)Can you imagine what it feels like to study a skill that you’re ‘truly’ passionate about without having to pretend? Going on to nurture it through true, self motivation. to a point you connect your own dots in life. And one day you arrive at a location where you believe, is the right space to fully release your creativity; just to have another woman who didn’t do the work for herself, come along and simply, steal your work? Another woman who has not shared a moment in ANY area of your journey of life; with zero, truth, in genuine respect for womanhood, and who seemingly presents as completely uncultured in a desperate attempt to fool, those with a trained and cultured eye. Can you imagine how thick skinned a woman would have to be to have to hold out, and hold on in eventually seeking justice for that debacle, whilst knowing the truth the whole time?
This is directly to Rosie Coxshaw. 1)Rosie, do you understand why the Stephen Lawrence Centre exists? If the answer is “No” Then I put it to you that you should’ve done your research prior to hotfooting it down, there. However, if your answer is “yes.” Well then that springboards to a host of other questions such as: 2)Can you imagine how thick skinned a black woman has to be to get up and try to show up for yet another day of whatever she may have planned with a possible side order of unwanted racism? 3)Can you imagine how thick your skin has to be as a black woman who has to overlook a million obstacles and goalposts manoeuvres in the hopes of reaching her own goals? 4)Can you imagine what it feels like to study a skill that you’re ‘truly’ passionate about without having to pretend? Going on to nurture it through true, self motivation. to a point you connect your own dots in life. And one day you arrive at a location where you believe, is the right space to fully release your creativity; just to have another woman who didn’t do the work for herself, come along and simply, steal your work? Another woman who has not shared a moment in ANY area of your journey of life; with zero, truth, in genuine respect for womanhood, and who seemingly presents as completely uncultured in a desperate attempt to fool, those with a trained and cultured eye. Can you imagine how thick skinned a woman would have to be to have to hold out, and hold on in eventually seeking justice for that debacle, whilst knowing the truth the whole time?
This is directly to Rosie Coxshaw. 1)Rosie, do you understand why the Stephen Lawrence Centre exists? If the answer is “No” Then I put it to you that you should’ve done your research prior to hotfooting it down, there. However, if your answer is “yes.” Well then that springboards to a host of other questions such as: 2)Can you imagine how thick skinned a black woman has to be to get up and try to show up for yet another day of whatever she may have planned with a possible side order of unwanted racism? 3)Can you imagine how thick your skin has to be as a black woman who has to overlook a million obstacles and goalposts manoeuvres in the hopes of reaching her own goals? 4)Can you imagine what it feels like to study a skill that you’re ‘truly’ passionate about without having to pretend? Going on to nurture it through true, self motivation. to a point you connect your own dots in life. And one day you arrive at a location where you believe, is the right space to fully release your creativity; just to have another woman who didn’t do the work for herself, come along and simply, steal your work? Another woman who has not shared a moment in ANY area of your journey of life; with zero, truth, in genuine respect for womanhood, and who seemingly presents as completely uncultured in a desperate attempt to fool, those with a trained and cultured eye. Can you imagine how thick skinned a woman would have to be to have to hold out, and hold on in eventually seeking justice for that debacle, whilst knowing the truth the whole time?